More Than Your Clothing Tag
Since I finished playing, and have simply gotten older, my body has changed. These changes aren’t drastic, and the average person probably wouldn’t notice...but in my eyes, it’s very obvious. I am still working out consistently, but that “being in volleyball shape” is a completely different animal. I am no longer jumping 500 times daily, doing constant quick agility movements, or working out for 3 hours a day. The type of workouts I do now are mostly lifting, with a hint of cardio or HIIT training. Since I have made these changes and my body has adapted, I have definitely noticed that my legs (and the related lower area) have gotten bigger. The fact that my legs have gotten bigger and stronger in itself is perfectly fine with me, that’s actually my goal, but it’s what happened as a result that I’ve struggled with.
This result being that the majority of the pants and shorts I was able to wear in college seem to no longer fit me the same...or at all honestly. I have been struggling with this recently, but I’ve realized the voice whispering the greatest negativity about it can be found between my own two ears. The other day I caught myself trying on the same pair of shorts on separate occasions, 3 days apart. What did I think was going to happen in those 3 days you ask?? I was hoping the first day was a fluke, and now they would magically fit. That the seamstress who came in during the night and tightened those shorts would come back and fix them to their proper size. Ok I’m totally kidding, kinda. I tried these shorts on 3 days later, simply because I am having a hard time letting go. I would rather keep the same clothes I had in high school/college that I never wear because they’re so tight, than go to the store and pick up a bigger size that actually fits. Clothes also cost money, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Shopping can be exhausting when clothes aren’t fitting you right, and you’re trying to find a size you feel comfortable in. It’s almost as if it would be better if clothes didn’t have sizes, and we just got to try them on freely without the mental baggage of sizing.
My closet is full of shorts that almost fit, but don’t really fit. I’m in a situation where I wear a size medium and a half. You know, where medium’s are often a little tight, but the large’s seem to be a tad too big. I haven’t kept these clothes around in hopes that my body will change and I’ll suddenly fit into them again, but because getting rid of them means that I’m detaching myself from an older version of myself, which for some reason is very hard to do.
Not too long ago, I wanted to buy a pair of jeans online, but never went through with it because I just couldn’t get myself to press that button one size bigger than what I used to wear. At that moment, I realized something...when people compliment your clothes they don’t say “hey your pants are super cute, what size are they??” (and if they do, you should slap them). I was being so self centered and caught up in a number that I legitimately let it keep me from purchasing a pair of pants online. I can promise you one thing, no one cares more about your pant size than you do.
Another thing that often makes the shopping experience defeating is the inconsistency of sizing. At one store you could be a solid medium in the pants, but at another store you can’t even pull the medium’s over your left calf. This is part of the problem with our culture today, and I firmly believe that it leads to increased body image issues. It’s tiring trying to find clothes that flatter you and make you feel confident, when you can’t even trust that the same size will fit you from one store to the next. The first recollection I have of this issue was with Hollister in the 6th grade. I will be the first to admit that I was not your average 6th grader, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be excluded from all of the middle school fashion trends. I remember going to Hollister to purchase some sick graphic tees with the bird on them, and I could barely fit into the sizes they had. At such a young age I realized that my body was built differently than most people’s, and I’d be lying if I said my 12 year old self wasn’t affected by that. Today I am still highly aware that my body is different than most, but that’s not what upsets me anymore. I am upset that clothes are tailored to those with “thin privilege,” excluding the majority of our female population. I’m personally speaking from this thin privilege perspective, meaning that I can go into any clothing store and find a size that fits me, even though the sizing may vary from one store to another. There are many women who do not have this same ability, which is a severe problem that often leaves many women feeling excluded and less valuable all because of a clothing tag.
“Clothes are supposed to fit your body, not the other way around.” This is a quote I saw recently that really hit home for me. Our bodies are supposed to change. It’s unfair to expect all the clothes that fit us at 17 years old to still fit 6 years later (yes, I’m talking to myself). For some, this could even mean that you started living a healthier lifestyle and your clothes are now too big. Either way, don’t beat yourself up for being human and for your body developing as a human body should. We can’t let inconsistent sizing determine our value in this world, or believe that sizing is a measurement of our health. A smaller clothing size does not increase your value in this world, and a bigger size does not decrease it either. Health at every size means that every body type can be healthy, and that skinny does not equate to healthy. Just because you have to click the button with a higher number than you did a couple years ago doesn’t mean you are any less healthy now. It simply means your body has changed, and you’ve outgrown your old self.