Under Eating & Over-Performing
Many people saw my career, success, and passion for volleyball, but no one could see what I was dealing with off the court. I struggled with my mental health which mostly encompassed performance anxiety, body dysmorphia/orthorexia, and disordered eating. I still struggle with most of these, but not to the extreme degree that being a college athlete led me to. For someone who was under eating, I sure was over-performing. I don't regret my career, and I wouldn't change a thing about it...but I wish I could go back and treat my body better. That's one reason I am writing this blog, to hopefully keep current athletes from facing the same battles that I did, or to help encourage you (or anyone) through the battle.
It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I accepted I had a problem with my relationship with food. Looking back, I realize that I knew before then, but I had become so used to my way of living that I was immune and continued to ignore all the signs. During a human nutrition class my sophomore year, we did an assignment where we had to track our food for three days. We used the MyFitnesssPal app (classic), and also had to account for our activity level during the day. At the conclusion of the three days, we calculated how many calories we were eating on average per day, in comparison to the amount of calories recommended for our personal lifestyle and activity. To say the least, I was shook. My daily caloric intake was averaging 2,500 calories...while my recommendation was at 3,500 calories. If you are not an athlete, I understand that this sounds like an insanely high number, but I can assure you it is not.
Unfortunately, the only thing that changed about me from this assignment was that I had now gained the awareness that I was steady under-eating by 1,000 calories per day, but I did nothing to fix it. I continued to eat the absolute minimum amount of food to get me by. I was performing well, so I didn’t see why I would need to change.
I was a six foot three collegiate athlete, who was working out on average around 3 hours a day, burning through every calorie I consumed. I felt tired and I was hungry almost all the time. I ignored most of my hunger cues and would go into practice feeling insanely hungry, but not willing to “waste” calories on a snack beforehand. I had created this narrative in my head that I had to look a certain way to perform the way I wanted to, and I would simply achieve it by eating less. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yes I needed to be healthy, in shape, and have the endurance to last a 5 set match, but I did not need to fit a certain body aesthetic to be all of those things. I wish so badly I would have realized that years ago. During my career I was very strong, but I can’t help but think I would have been even stronger if I had fueled myself properly and allowed time for my body to recover between workouts. There’s a chance I would’ve been better at swimming in off season, but that might just be wishful thinking.
The point I’m trying to make is that it wasn’t worth it. The constant hunger I was experiencing, the lack of energy, the harsh criticism on my own physical appearance, and just being straight up miserable at times was all for nothing. I felt like I was chasing the wind. My body was working tirelessly day in and day out off of the minimal energy I was providing it, and still allowing me to perform at my best. I wish I would have made that process a bit easier for my body by not restricting those 1,000 calories. Our bodies can do amazing things, and they continue to fight to keep us alive even when we don’t treat them how we should. Whenever I get caught up in my appearance, I try to pause and reflect on the things my body has done for me and the places it’s taken me. Our body’s are pretty dang incredible. Today I challenge you to be thankful for all your body does for you, rather than tearing yourself down for the silly things you count as flaws.