Finding Fitness as a NARP

NARP stands for Non Athletic Regular Person. There is no shade in this acronym for non athletes, it’s just what ex-athletes use because we simply don’t know how else to refer to ourselves. It’s basically a coping mechanism for no longer being able to call ourselves athletes. I’m slightly offended by the term myself, but it is what it is. I spent the first year in denial that I was no longer an athlete, and I honestly sometimes still can’t believe I’m not. I missed being one so much that I decided to pick up basketball for my 5th year of eligibility at UWF, but that’s a story for another time. The point is, I have always loved calling myself an athlete and being known as one. I love working out, and I honestly enjoyed harder practices or lifts where I felt like I was achieving borderline cardiac arrest the most. The post workout feeling is something my body craves, and I love to push my body and get some type of sweat in every day.

When I was done playing, none of this changed for me, I just no longer had a structured workout schedule set in stone. On top of that, the hardest part for me was finding the motivation to workout on my own now for essentially no purpose at all, and not having anyone to tell me when, where, and how I was going to workout. We go our whole lives with every rep, every set of our workouts planned for us, and all we have to do is show up. Then all of a sudden that changes, and we are left to figure it out on our own. I once heard someone say they had convinced themselves that every workout they did as an ex athlete had to mimic the intensity of their college days, and I couldn’t relate to that more. Although I often still fall into this way of thinking, I’m realizing that not every workout has to be the hardest one I have ever done, and sometimes it’s enough to simply show up and move for the day.

I never really took any time off from working out after my career ended, because I thought that I would never start working out again if I did. For a while it honestly felt mindless, and I never truly stopped to think about why I was actually there without being forced. Looking back, I have identified that for many months I was solely showing up out of habit and routine (and a fear of weight gain), rather than personal desire to stay healthy in my new life away form sport.

I was so afraid that taking any time off would cause my body to completely transform, and I would lose all muscle on my body within a few weeks, even a couple days off...but I have learned that’s not quite how the body works. Since then I have maintained a pretty consistent workout routine. I typically workout 5-6 times per week, which is my ideal schedule in a perfect world. But, what I’ve learned is that I do not live in a perfect world. Life happens and sometimes I’m not able to train as frequently as I’d like. I would be lying if I said that I don’t get anxiety whenever I’m not able to workout, because that’s just the way my mind is wired. Whenever I go on trips, I immediately try to figure out when/where/if I’ll have gym access and if not, I become very stressed. Almost so stressed to the extent that it has the potential to ruin my whole trip if I can’t workout. Sometimes I do truly enjoy working out while on vacation, but it can also feel like a burden. As I talked about in a previous post, I’ve been working on allowing myself to rest and not beat myself up whenever I miss a workout, but I still have a tough time with that.

I am not motivated every single day to workout. There, I said it. In fact, it’s actually quite the opposite. Some days I just really do not want to go to the gym, and I imagine how much more free time I would have if I simply didn’t do it. Ironically, the days I dread it the most sometimes end up being the best workouts. Over time I’ve realized that consistency and routine keep me going to the gym regularly. If we only did things whenever we “wanted to,” I imagine we wouldn’t get very much done, or at least I wouldn’t! Working out is no different. I have never regretted a workout, and I always feel so much better after. Being in the gym has always been my outlet, and that still holds true today. The difference now is that I do the workouts that I actually want to do, and nobody is forcing me to do anything I don’t want to. I’ll probably never go workout on a track again, and if you see me there call the cops because I’ve been body snatched.

Honestly, at this point in my life I feel like I need to workout to maintain the ability to carry all of my groceries up to the 3rd floor in one trip, without needing a respiratory therapist. 

This post isn’t just for ex-athletes, but for everyone out there. I am not writing this to try to force everyone to workout 5/6 times a week. Rather, I want to encourage all of you to find some type of exercise that serves as your stress relief, and helps you feel confident in your own skin. This will look different for every person, because we are all different people with various needs and enjoyments. Whether that means that you stop making excuses and simply go to the gym, join a yoga class, start lifting weights, go for a run, or go outside and get a daily walk in, find what brings you joy and pursue that. I think we over complicate fitness and moving our bodies so much that it becomes intimidating and unappealing to many. I would like to announce that those days are over, and from now on we are doing things that make us feel alive, excited, and help keep us in shape to carry our groceries in one trip. Also, gotta stay ready because you never know when you’ll get called up to play a sport you haven’t played in 5 years!

Identity Crisis

I’m an enneagram 3, aka the achiever. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that, the enneagram is a personality test that has exposed me while simultaneously allowing me to better understand myself. I am driven by success, accolades, achievement, and my performance. In my eyes, my self worth and identity has always been measured through what I accomplish. I didn’t realize how deeply rooted I was in this way of thinking until I no longer had any accolades to measure my value with. I received a couple of awards throughout the following weeks of my career ending, which allowed me to hold on to this part of my identity for a bit longer. After that, some additional awards trickled in the next semester, so my worth was still hanging on by a thread. Then one random day it was over, and it hit me like a train that I would no longer be able to validate myself through my achievements on the court. For months I genuinely felt that I had nothing to work for, nothing to fulfill me, and nothing to define me. My identity was gone.

I wish I had realized that my value doesn’t change based on my stats or my performance years ago. That would have made the transition after I finished playing much easier, but also would have alleviated a lot of pressure during my career. I struggled with performance anxiety to an extent, and most of it was self induced. If I had a bad game, or what I viewed as “bad,” I was in an immediate terrible mood. At the beginning of my college days, if I didn’t play well and we won, I was still lowkey upset. Thankfully, as I got older I was able to let that selfish part of me go, but I then started to blame all of our loses on myself. On the other hand, if I performed to my standards and met the expectations I had set for myself, life was good. I’m sure I was a bundle of joy to be around after I had a bad game, and I apologize to all those personally victimized by my mood swings. This was a roller coaster way to live, considering we played multiple games a week, sometimes per day. It was tough for me to shake bad past performances, but I also found that I was able to use the good ones to build my confidence for the future.

After matches we would talk in the locker room and the final stats sheet would get passed around. Before looking at the sheet, I already knew if I was interested in what it had to say or not, based on the kind of game I had (or thought I had). If it was good, I was one of the first ones to check the exact numbers I put up, but if I felt the opposite, I wanted nothing to do with that sheet. I had already determined my worth for the rest of the night before seeing the actual stats, and I kept this up for 4 years. I haven’t admitted this to anyone else, although I’m sure it’s not breaking news, but I thrived off of recognition. I never asked for it verbally, but through my play and work ethic, I was screaming to be acknowledged. Somewhere during my career, I started to believe that my entire identity rode on my success, and I never stopped believing that. Whether it came as instant gratification in the form of player of the week, or delayed until the end of the season as All-Conference/All-American honors, I desired this validation. I allowed these things to fill my cup, and when I didn’t receive acknowledgement, I was empty and felt unworthy. 

Being motivated by accolades is fine, and ultimately it works, but it also means that it’s all I was able to think about. Obviously, awards are based off of statistics...which meant that I had to show out every single match to have a shot at the accolades I had my sights set on. I got so caught up in stats and what numbers I needed to put up, that it started to have a negative impact on my play. It also made the game less enjoyable for a while. During the beginning of my junior year, I remember really struggling with this and not being able to get out of my head about stats, due to the pressure I put on myself trying to measure up to my performance the previous season. I texted my dad and told him that it was affecting my play and I didn’t know how to get break this cycle. He responded with a line that I’m sure he hasn’t thought about since but I’ll never forget, “play for fun and the stats will come.” I kept this phrase with me for the next two years, and had to remind myself of it almost every day, sometimes mid game. Before every match my senior season, I drew a greater than sign on my left wrist to serve as a reminder that WE>ME, and I was playing for so much more than myself.

It has taken me a year and a half to start to truly realize and believe that I am more than my performance. I still struggle with this way of thinking everyday, it just looks different now that I’m not an athlete. I have had to dig deeper into myself to find what truly motivates me and fills my cup. To be honest, some days I really don’t know the answer to that, and I still feel empty without my accomplishments being tangible and no longer receiving praise for my stats. Ultimately I have come to realize that my worth and identity is in God. It always has been and always will be. I’m sure He was watching me put all of this pressure on myself and allowing a sport to validate me, all the while wishing I would just let go. God loved me just as much after my worst match as He did after my best. I now realize that the people who matter most in my life never loved me because I was good at blocking a volleyball. The same goes for you in whatever it is that you’re putting above Him, allowing it to determine how much you love yourself and those around you. You are more than what you do.

More Than Your Clothing Tag

Since I finished playing, and have simply gotten older, my body has changed. These changes aren’t drastic, and the average person probably wouldn’t notice...but in my eyes, it’s very obvious. I am still working out consistently, but that “being in volleyball shape” is a completely different animal. I am no longer jumping 500 times daily, doing constant quick agility movements, or working out for 3 hours a day. The type of workouts I do now are mostly lifting, with a hint of cardio or HIIT training. Since I have made these changes and my body has adapted, I have definitely noticed that my legs (and the related lower area) have gotten bigger. The fact that my legs have gotten bigger and stronger in itself is perfectly fine with me, that’s actually my goal, but it’s what happened as a result that I’ve struggled with. 

This result being that the majority of the pants and shorts I was able to wear in college seem to no longer fit me the same...or at all honestly. I have been struggling with this recently, but I’ve realized the voice whispering the greatest negativity about it can be found between my own two ears. The other day I caught myself trying on the same pair of shorts on separate occasions, 3 days apart. What did I think was going to happen in those 3 days you ask?? I was hoping the first day was a fluke, and now they would magically fit. That the seamstress who came in during the night and tightened those shorts would come back and fix them to their proper size. Ok I’m totally kidding, kinda. I tried these shorts on 3 days later, simply because I am having a hard time letting go. I would rather keep the same clothes I had in high school/college that I never wear because they’re so tight, than go to the store and pick up a bigger size that actually fits. Clothes also cost money, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Shopping can be exhausting when clothes aren’t fitting you right, and you’re trying to find a size you feel comfortable in. It’s almost as if it would be better if clothes didn’t have sizes, and we just got to try them on freely without the mental baggage of sizing.

My closet is full of shorts that almost fit, but don’t really fit. I’m in a situation where I wear a size medium and a half. You know, where medium’s are often a little tight, but the large’s seem to be a tad too big. I haven’t kept these clothes around in hopes that my body will change and I’ll suddenly fit into them again, but because getting rid of them means that I’m detaching myself from an older version of myself, which for some reason is very hard to do.

Not too long ago, I wanted to buy a pair of jeans online, but never went through with it because I just couldn’t get myself to press that button one size bigger than what I used to wear. At that moment, I realized something...when people compliment your clothes they don’t say “hey your pants are super cute, what size are they??” (and if they do, you should slap them). I was being so self centered and caught up in a number that I legitimately let it keep me from purchasing a pair of pants online. I can promise you one thing, no one cares more about your pant size than you do. 

Another thing that often makes the shopping experience defeating is the inconsistency of sizing. At one store you could be a solid medium in the pants, but at another store you can’t even pull the medium’s over your left calf. This is part of the problem with our culture today, and I firmly believe that it leads to increased body image issues. It’s tiring trying to find clothes that flatter you and make you feel confident, when you can’t even trust that the same size will fit you from one store to the next. The first recollection I have of this issue was with Hollister in the 6th grade. I will be the first to admit that I was not your average 6th grader, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be excluded from all of the middle school fashion trends. I remember going to Hollister to purchase some sick graphic tees with the bird on them, and I could barely fit into the sizes they had. At such a young age I realized that my body was built differently than most people’s, and I’d be lying if I said my 12 year old self wasn’t affected by that. Today I am still highly aware that my body is different than most, but that’s not what upsets me anymore. I am upset that clothes are tailored to those with “thin privilege,” excluding the majority of our female population. I’m personally speaking from this thin privilege perspective, meaning that I can go into any clothing store and find a size that fits me, even though the sizing may vary from one store to another. There are many women who do not have this same ability, which is a severe problem that often leaves many women feeling excluded and less valuable all because of a clothing tag.

“Clothes are supposed to fit your body, not the other way around.” This is a quote I saw recently that really hit home for me. Our bodies are supposed to change. It’s unfair to expect all the clothes that fit us at 17 years old to still fit 6 years later (yes, I’m talking to myself). For some, this could even mean that you started living a healthier lifestyle and your clothes are now too big. Either way, don’t beat yourself up for being human and for your body developing as a human body should. We can’t let inconsistent sizing determine our value in this world, or believe that sizing is a measurement of our health. A smaller clothing size does not increase your value in this world, and a bigger size does not decrease it either. Health at every size means that every body type can be healthy, and that skinny does not equate to healthy. Just because you have to click the button with a higher number than you did a couple years ago doesn’t mean you are any less healthy now. It simply means your body has changed, and you’ve outgrown your old self.

Life Happens

Back in early March I was killing it in the gym if I do say so myself. I had a set workout schedule, had access to the best equipment, and was able to do almost any type of workout my heart desired. I even had a secure, solid daily life routine going as well. Then something called quarantine happened, and all of a sudden this comfortable routine was thrown out the window. I went back to Texas for a while, bought some dumbbells, and adjusted to the situation I found myself in so that I could remain active to the best of my ability, and attempt to maintain some normalcy. Months of working out in my garage or on my balcony went by and I powered through even when I didn’t want to. August rolled around and I found myself able to workout somewhat normally again, and my routine was reestablished. I was back. Until something else happened in my life, Hurricane Sally. Things got shut down again, and I was back on the streets for my workouts for a couple days. Also didn’t have power, but that’s another story. Hear me out, there are much more pressing issues in the affected areas than having gym access right now, I know this. Although these bigger, life threatening issues are occurring following this disaster, that doesn’t mean we can’t miss our normal routine. For me, a big part of my routine is going to the gym and having control over the food I eat.

I’ve talked before about obsessing over getting a workout in and not letting myself rest, but that is not what I experienced during either of these situations. It’s the fact that something that makes me feel so good about myself and serves as my stress reliever wasn’t readily available to me during highly stressful times. I have found that my mental health really takes a toll during times like this. There is so much sadness and uncertainty in the world and within my community that it’s hard to really think about anything else when my mind is at rest. Everyone copes differently, and my personal form of coping is by working out. It also helps me distract myself and get my mind off of such heavy and intense situations for just a little while. When the way you handle hard times is taken away, it can often make these times even harder. 

There are times to go hard and push it to the limit, but there’s also a time to slow down and take care of yourself and those around you. I have found these are times for the latter. Staying physically active and working out with the equipment I do have is important for me to stay sane, but it’s not everything. It’s vital that we give ourselves grace during difficult times (such as a hurricane, or a global pandemic). Our physical appearance is the least interesting thing we can offer this world. Experiences like these often lead us to have decreased motivation or drive to work hard or grind, and I believe that is perfectly fine. Your 100% may look different from day to day, and that’s simply human nature. We won’t always be able to show up with the same level of energy, but we can offer 100% of the person we are on any given day. That inner motivation and killer instinct will return eventually.

I don’t have too much to say on this, I just felt it was important that I shared how I have been affected by the recent situations surrounding me. Life is happening to all of us, and we are all handling it differently. Whatever you’re going through either personally, within your community, or even globally, know that your individual feelings are valid. Don’t suppress your mental health just because the problems of the world seem more important than yours. It’s perfectly fine to take care of yourself and tend to your mental health before trying to spread yourself thin and fix everything/everyone around you.

No Days Off

No days off, that’s what we’re told it takes to be great…right? Wrong. That is what I told myself, and how my mind was wired during my entire career. I hated taking days off. In college, we were required to have one day off a week during season, but for some reason I felt that rule didn’t apply to me. I saw an “off day” for others as an opportunity for me to get ahead of everyone else. I was that girl who always stayed after practice, during season and in off-season. I’m pretty sure all of my coaches wanted to block my number because I would always ask them to come early or stay after practice with me. I am not sorry I did that, and am not saying it is bad to be this girl, but I definitely crossed the line here. Not only did I cross this line, I broad jumped over it and built a house there. I wanted to be as strong, fast, and just straight up as good as I could be, and I thought I would achieve all of those things by going all out all the time. I had goals, and they weren’t going to get achieved by me taking a rest day (or so I thought). I used to get so frustrated because I was working out constantly, but wasn’t seeing the drastic changes I thought I should have been. Little did I know that I was simply hurting my body by not resting, because proper recovery time is essential for building muscle.

Somewhere along the way, resting and taking time off has become frowned upon. There is a negative association that often comes with listening to our bodies, especially for athletes. In the athletic world, the synonym for the word “rest” is actually “lazy or weak.”

I remember going on runs around campus my freshman year on our off days, because I couldn’t stand the thought of letting my body rest. I would also be on edge the whole time because I was worried my teammates or coaches would see me…how much more extra could I have been? I am unsure of what my 18 year old brain thought I was accomplishing by casually running miles, and how I thought that was going to translate onto the volleyball court. I honestly don’t even enjoy running that much. As I got older, it didn’t get any better, I just got more creative with new ways to work my body into the ground.

During the off-season, we would spend Wednesday’s doing yoga and mobility…two things I absolutely hated. I didn’t enjoy doing either of these because I was terrible at both of them, and I genuinely thought it was a waste of my time to workout without reaching max heart rate. I did finally learn how to do a cartwheel during mobility though, so I guess it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Once we finished up mobility and yoga, I would wait until all of my teammates left the gym so that I could scurry off and go run on the treadmill, or even to the weight room. After team weights when I felt like it wasn’t hard enough or I had more left in me, I would stay behind and do cute things like sprints on the treadmill or whatever else I came up with. At the time, I saw this as me pushing myself and wanting to be the best I could, but I was honestly just obsessed with working out. It wasn’t until my junior/senior year that I started to channel this over-training for a better cause. I was still working out an unnecessary amount, but I knew that going beyond would not only help me reach my goals, but it was ultimately for the betterment of my team as well. This is how I justified all of the excessive training. Instead of going into the new week, or next day, feeling rejuvenated and refreshed, I felt even more tired and worn down. I was denying my body the ability to heal itself, and I wish I knew that at the time.

Don’t get me wrong, to have an edge at anything, life or sport, you’re going to have to do one rep more than everyone else and put in extra work when no one is watching. I never wanted to let anyone outwork me (clearly even on rest days), and I don’t think that I would have been quite as successful had I just been along for the ride and done the bare minimum to get by. At the same time, I think I could’ve taken a breath or two and actually utilized and benefited from those forbidden “off days.” Part of the reason I was afraid to rest was that I subconsciously believed my body would change, or I’d somehow gain weight within those 24 hours. If I’m being honest, I still struggle with letting myself take extra days off, but I am working on that. I have a hard time knowing when I need to take an additional day off, or when I should just push through and stop being “mentally weak.” I usually go with the latter, because that’s been my mentality for my entire life and it’s hard to turn that off after all these years. As athletes we are told not to be soft and that us feeling weak or sore is not an excuse to not go all out. While it’s true that we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard and push hard when it hurts, it’s important that we listen to our bodies and rest when we have the opportunity to do so.

Nothing worth having will ever be handed to you and you’re going to have to do what others won’t to set yourself apart, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and stop to breathe every now and then. I’ll be the first one to encourage you to go all out to accomplish that dream of yours, just be careful that you’re going about it the right way. Rest days are important and they are implemented for a reason. I’m not just referring to physical activity, but in your everyday life or job as well. We all need a day to recharge, not only in terms of physical recovery, but for the betterment of our mental health as well.

#bodygoals

Did you know that we could all do the exact same workouts and eat the same foods, but we would all still look different? What if I told you that you can watch an influencer’s “full day of eating” and spin your wheels trying to replicate it, but you still wouldn’t look the way they do. Would you still want to eat that way? I didn’t think so. Each person’s body is able to keep them alive and breathing, but each one is going about it in various ways which are special to meet the exact needs of their body. That’s a crazy concept to me, but it’s also super cool if you think about it. We all have a different metabolism, different resting energy expenditure rates, different genetics, and our body’s simply function differently. No one else’s body looks identical to yours, which is what makes you unique. Despite all of this, why do we all desire to look like that other person who we’ve identified as our #bodygoals? 

I am all for having goals, working to improve your body, and becoming the healthiest/strongest version of yourself. Actually, I encourage that and think it’s important to want to better yourself. At the same time, I have spent most of my life chasing a certain body aesthetic, yet always coming up short. I came up short because the “ideal body type” is ALWAYS changing. It’s impossible to achieve something that doesn’t exist. I convinced myself that my happiness would be fulfilled once I looked a certain way. I’ve had thoughts like, “if only I could get the fat off the sides of my thighs” or “I’ve got to get rid of the excess weight around my abs and lower stomach.” Come to find out, the fat on my thighs is in fact skin to protect what has now turned into muscle, and I’m pretty sure it’s not going anywhere!! I’ve spent so many hours of my life trying to make my abs more visible, because I thought it would make me happier and I would be at the pinnacle of fitness. Ha. The funny thing is, every time I finally reached whatever aesthetic I was striving for, it never made me any happier, and I was probably a worse person due to what I was putting my body through. I always thought that I needed to be the smallest version of myself, but then I heard the phrase “you are allowed to take up space,” and it changed my outlook. I never realized that I was actually convinced I needed to take up as little space as possible in this world, but that was definitely my underlying goal.

Allowing our body type/shape to determine our inner happiness or value will always fail us. I’m still guilty of doing this, and I get so caught up in comparing my current body to what I used to look like or what I think I should strive to look like. But here’s the kicker, I am happier and healthier now than I was when I weighed less and had that cute 6 pack I wanted so badly. I believe there is still greater joy and confidence to be reached in my life, but I no longer think that I’ll find it by shedding the excess ~fat~ on my thighs. I still workout regularly, because I love the way it makes me feel and it’s my escape, not because I’m trying to find my happiness in the gym. The time we spend hating on our bodies is time we will never get back. It’s simply wasted time. Working out and improving your nutrition is a great way to feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, and it’s not always about aesthetic changes. It’s perfectly normal to have goals for your own body, but it’s important to figure out if you’re trying to become a better version of yourself, or a duplicate version of someone who already exists.

The diet industry makes $72 billion per year, and they do so by profiting off of our insecurities. If that’s not messed up, I don’t know what is. It makes me want to love my body even more just to keep them from profiting off of the things we view as our flaws that make us more vulnerable to their marketing. While we’re at it, can we stop commenting “skinny” on other girl’s pictures?? A woman can look skinny in a picture, but you have no idea what’s actually going on in her life, or how she achieved this “skinny” bod that we put on a pedestal. Let’s stop praising people for how much they weigh, and start commenting on what you love about who they are inside.

It’s not realistic to expect yourself to wake up every morning feeling overwhelmed with love for every inch of your physical appearance. Some days will be easier than others, but what we can do is grow to genuinely like and appreciate our bodies for blessing us with another day’s opportunity to chose self love. You are just as valuable in this moment as you will be when you reach your #bodygoals.

Zoe vs. Dough

Not too long ago I saw a post that challenged the reader to reflect on personal experiences and identify when/how they developed the relationship with food that they have. I decided to play along, because it sounded like a good exercise to help me better understand myself. The first recollection I had from my own life was about donuts (hence the dad joke of a title). I used to eat donuts all the time, donut holes were my favorite, but I loved all the kinds. Then one day I heard that “you have to run 3 miles to burn off one donut”......and I have never looked at a donut the same way. I honestly don’t know that I can say I’ve eaten a whole donut since then. I also somehow learned that one donut hole has 52 calories, so you can bet I put those on my list of foods I wouldn’t be touching.  

Did I stop eating donuts because I all of a sudden didn’t enjoy the way they tasted? Absolutely not. I stopped eating them because I now viewed them as a “bad” food, and they were off limits to me in every form of dough. I’d love to say that I eat donuts guilt free now, that I even have them for breakfast, and I don’t get anxiety when someone talks about them. But that would all be a lie. The difference is that now I am aware of how and why I feel the way I do about them, and I don’t fear them as much as I used to. I wish that I were able to eat a whole donut right now and not think about it for the rest of the day, but that’s not where I am currently at. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to eat a dozen donut holes with the same joy that I used to feel when my sister and I would eat them, while my mom forced us to go to garage sales on Saturday mornings. 

There are other foods that are on my hit list, and I have genuinely talked myself into thinking I don’t like these foods. If I am craving one of these items, I will overthink it and end up talking myself out of it, which only makes me want it even more. Throughout my life I have engrained the nutritional value of certain foods into by head, and it takes up so much space in my brain that I would like to use for other things, but I cannot seem to free up. I don’t want to know these silly numbers and think about them every time I make a food related decision, but it’s like I can’t turn it off. Restricting foods can eventually end in a binge once I do get ahold of these foods, and it ends up worse for me mentally than if I would have simply allowed myself to eat it to begin with. It’s a vicious cycle.

The mindset that we even have to “burn off what we eat” is absurd. We literally need to consume food to live. Calories provide energy, and we need them whether we are running a marathon or laying in bed watching The Office for the 7th time. I struggle with feeling like I need to “earn food,” and it makes me sad that I have fallen into the trap of thinking this way. On rest days, or whenever I don’t work out as hard or long as I think I should have, I often equate it to food. The harder I work, the more food I feel like I deserve to eat, and vice versa. I am doing my best to retrain my mind out of viewing food as a reward for my physical performance. I am all for eating healthfully and knowing your limits on portions of certain foods, but this can become unhealthy if you allow it to control your life. One of the most toxic things I’ve ever done to myself is labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” Food literally cannot be either of those things, and it’s just a silly phrase created by diet culture. If you are someone who has similar uneasy feelings towards what you allow yourself to eat, I encourage you to do the exercise I mentioned at the beginning, where you reflect on your past and try to better understand the connection between your mind and your relationship with food. It won’t completely heal you, but it’s a pretty good place to begin the process.

Under Eating & Over-Performing

Many people saw my career, success, and passion for volleyball, but no one could see what I was dealing with off the court. I struggled with my mental health which mostly encompassed performance anxiety, body dysmorphia/orthorexia, and disordered eating. I still struggle with most of these, but not to the extreme degree that being a college athlete led me to. For someone who was under eating, I sure was over-performing. I don't regret my career, and I wouldn't change a thing about it...but I wish I could go back and treat my body better. That's one reason I am writing this blog, to hopefully keep current athletes from facing the same battles that I did, or to help encourage you (or anyone) through the battle.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I accepted I had a problem with my relationship with food. Looking back, I realize that I knew before then, but I had become so used to my way of living that I was immune and continued to ignore all the signs. During a human nutrition class my sophomore year, we did an assignment where we had to track our food for three days. We used the MyFitnesssPal app (classic), and also had to account for our activity level during the day. At the conclusion of the three days, we calculated how many calories we were eating on average per day, in comparison to the amount of calories recommended for our personal lifestyle and activity. To say the least, I was shook. My daily caloric intake was averaging 2,500 calories...while my recommendation was at 3,500 calories. If you are not an athlete, I understand that this sounds like an insanely high number, but I can assure you it is not. 

Unfortunately, the only thing that changed about me from this assignment was that I had now gained the awareness that I was steady under-eating by 1,000 calories per day, but I did nothing to fix it. I continued to eat the absolute minimum amount of food to get me by. I was performing well, so I didn’t see why I would need to change.

I was a six foot three collegiate athlete, who was working out on average around 3 hours a day, burning through every calorie I consumed. I felt tired and I was hungry almost all the time. I ignored most of my hunger cues and would go into practice feeling insanely hungry, but not willing to “waste” calories on a snack beforehand. I had created this narrative in my head that I had to look a certain way to perform the way I wanted to, and I would simply achieve it by eating less. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yes I needed to be healthy, in shape, and have the endurance to last a 5 set match, but I did not need to fit a certain body aesthetic to be all of those things. I wish so badly I would have realized that years ago. During my career I was very strong, but I can’t help but think I would have been even stronger if I had fueled myself properly and allowed time for my body to recover between workouts. There’s a chance I would’ve been better at swimming in off season, but that might just be wishful thinking.

The point I’m trying to make is that it wasn’t worth it. The constant hunger I was experiencing, the lack of energy, the harsh criticism on my own physical appearance, and just being straight up miserable at times was all for nothing. I felt like I was chasing the wind. My body was working tirelessly day in and day out off of the minimal energy I was providing it, and still allowing me to perform at my best. I wish I would have made that process a bit easier for my body by not restricting those 1,000 calories. Our bodies can do amazing things, and they continue to fight to keep us alive even when we don’t treat them how we should. Whenever I get caught up in my appearance, I try to pause and reflect on the things my body has done for me and the places it’s taken me. Our body’s are pretty dang incredible. Today I challenge you to be thankful for all your body does for you, rather than tearing yourself down for the silly things you count as flaws.

Worst Break Up Ever

It’s not what you’re thinking. When my career was officially over and I had somehow blinked and used up four years of eligibility, I was overcome with so many emotions. I knew I was sad, actually I was heartbroken, but it still wasn’t real to me. I am not exaggerating when I say I cried for a week straight after my last game, simply because I could not wrap my head around everything, and I didn’t really know how else to respond. No one prepares you for this part of life, and it literally happens overnight. It’s like the worst break up you’ve ever had, but 100x worse because you can’t get back together no matter how much one of you wants to (it was me, I was the one who wanted to get back together). 

Anyone who knew me knew that volleyball was my life. It was my passion, my happiness, and my identity. Everyday (okay most days) I looked forward to going to practice because it was my escape, and I viewed the court as a playground. The game had my entire heart. My whole life up to this point had revolved around volleyball (and a little basketball), and I did not physically know how I was going to survive without it. The most intimidating part was when I realized I couldn’t hide behind the sport anymore. All I had left was myself, and who I truly was to my core. I’m not saying I hid behind volleyball in a bad way, but it sure allowed me to mask a lot of the things I was really dealing with but never had the time to face. Volleyball had always been my comfort, and now I was permanently uncomfortable. 

After it was all said and done, I had so many thoughts running through my mind…mostly denial for a couple of weeks, maybe months honestly. These random thoughts were something like: What do normal students do for fun in the afternoons from 2-6pm? Where was I supposed to workout? What kind of workouts was I supposed to be doing? How often do normal people workout? Do normal people even workout?? Was I going to get to see my best friends/teammates everyday now?

Rhodes Reeves Field House, the place that served as my safe haven for four years, was no longer a safe place for me. I was still allowed in there, mainly because my ID was still activated and they couldn’t keep me out, but it just never felt the same. I felt like a visitor in a place that was once my home.

The reality of everything didn’t truly hit me until the second semester of my senior year, when the returners were beginning off-season workouts. For the first time in my life, I had no one to answer to. There was no calendar set in place for my entire semester, telling me where I needed to be and when I needed to be there. No longer did anyone care about how high I could jump, how much I could squat, or how fast I could run. It probably sounds freeing, but it was honestly scary. This was all foreign territory to me. I didn’t have to workout if I didn’t want to, but I was so groomed to working out everyday that I arguably went even harder because I was trying to make up for the void of all these things I now had in my life. My body image issues were still present as ever, which was also a driving factor for me keeping my strict workout routine. I was no longer an athlete, but I was doing all that I could to hold on to the life I always knew.

Up until this point, when I thought about my career ending I obviously focused on the conclusion of the game itself, but it was the everyday stuff that hit me just as hard. I had grown up seeing my teammates/best friends everyday at practice, and now that was taken away from me. It’s unreal to me that I literally got to practice and hangout with my friends everyday. Road trips were the best part of all of it, and I enjoyed bus rides way more than I should have. The simplicity of just chilling in the locker room together is also something I took for granted. I didn’t realize what I had while I still had it, and by the time I did it was over.

From this moment on, everything in my life changed and I had to begin the process of re-defining myself. The things I had spent my days living for and given all of my energy to were no longer, and I was going to have to find a new normal no matter how much I tried denying that. Part of me will always be an athlete, a teammate, and a student of the game, I now just have to figure out how to apply those qualities in the “real world.” There are many aspects of volleyball that translate into life, but if we’re being honest, it’ll never be the same. If you’re reading this as a current athlete, I urge you to live in the moment and please don’t wish it away. If you’re on the other end of your career still feeling lost, I’m right there with you, and we’ll figure this out eventually.

Body Image 3.13.2018

Recently I was going through the files on my computer, because what else was I supposed to do with all of my spare time during quarantine? I came across a document that stopped me in my tracks and left me speechless when I realized the words it contained. It was something I vividly remember writing after getting home from an off-season volleyball workout on March 13th, 2018. I hadn't touched it or re-read it since that day, but reading it almost 2 years later absolutely shook me, and took me back to this day. It is actually what inspired me to put the long time thought of a blog into action, because I finally felt like it was time for me to share this message. I have not touched these words, and didn't edit any mistakes so that it would remain as raw and genuine as possible. I plan on talking about this topic a lot more in depth, but for now I think this is a good place begin.

Here's the original, unedited writing that I've copied and pasted:

"Yes, I am just a DII collegiate athlete, but I am still a collegiate athlete. I can say with confidence that over 75% of us who fall under this title are currently experiencing or have previously struggled with the very issue I am about to discuss. The issue is body image. While every girl in the twenty first century struggles with the body image issue, I feel very strongly that it is different for college athletes, especially females. Being a girl is enough pressure and work in the first place, now we have to add the pressure given to us in from those involved in our particular craft. This can add a large amount of weight, both physically and mentally that is. This is something that has been on my heart for the past year now, and I want to address it because I know I cannot be the only one.

Picture this, you have just completed a 3-hour practice filled with weights, conditioning, and the addition of your sport. After reaching the locker room, the first thing you do is log onto Instagram, only to be greeted by endless posts from instamodels; some fitness related, some stuntin in a bikini at the beach, and most of them you’ve never even had a face to face encounter with. Before you know it, you’ve been scrolling for ten minutes and have subconsciously accumulated numerous thoughts comparing your body to the bodies of Instagram. We have convinced ourselves that we don’t look quite enough like them, so we should probably skip dinner or only eat a small portion, because that’s how you get a body like that, right? Wrong. Our bodies have just endured intensities those bodies could never survive, and its time we start feeding them like it. In order to allow ourselves to achieve max performance, we must first obtain max fueling for our bodies. We all know good and well that skipping a post workout meal won’t make you skinny or give you a six pack, it will just make you hangry.

The average female collegiate athlete should typically consume 3,500 kcal per day. The average Instagram model is not even consuming half that amount. Not only are we built differently, we are training for a different purpose. We are training for the purpose of something greater than ourselves and greater than how many likes we can get. We are training for the teammates that you go to battle next to and grind with everyday. This is bigger than yourself, bigger than how many likes being “fit” can get you. There is nothing wrong with working out to look good and be confident in your own skin, but there is something wrong when that becomes all it is about. There is a fine line between the two, and I’ll be the first to admit I am still struggling to find it. In writing this, I am not trying to give the impression that I have the whole body image thing figured out and this doesn’t apply to me. I am writing this because this is me to the core. This is what subconsciously goes through my mind every hour of every day, and I have a feeling I’m not alone."

Hey, what’s up, hello!

Howdy! I am a (proud) born and bred Texan. I went on to spend my college years in Arkansas, and now find myself calling Florida home. I’m one of the most sarcastic people alive, and dad jokes/humor are my go-to response to just about everything. I am a Christian who has been redeemed, and am striving to glorify God through all I do.

There are years and years of thoughts and struggles I’ve never felt confident enough to share with anyone other than my journal, but recently I’ve felt called to break my silence. I have a feeling most people are shocked by reading that last sentence, because I don’t imagine I’m someone who gives off the journaling vibe. I am very outgoing and talkative, but there are many truths about me that I’ve never shared, out of fear of seeming weak. I’m nervous to bring my thoughts online, because as an enneagram 3, vulnerability isn’t my strong suit.

I played college volleyball for four years at Harding University, and would give anything to do it all again. During my career I found quite a bit of success on the court, and unfortunately I found all of my worth and value there as well. I let my achievements and accolades fuel me and control my entire life to such an extent that I didn’t realize how crippling it was until months following the final match point. When my career ended, I lost every ounce of my identity and self worth that I spent 22 years creating, and I’ve been trying to re-define myself since that November day in 2018.

Health and fitness have always been a huge part in my life, which is what led me to get a BS in Nutrition & Dietetics. For as long as I can remember, my life has revolved around working out, which is good…but also dangerous. Similar to my volleyball career, I have subconsciously based my value and self worth on how I look, the workouts I put myself through, and how often I workout. Ever since I realized this was an issue in my life, I’ve been focusing on using exercise as an outlet and a way to feel my best, rather than to punish myself. I’ve struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia for longer than I’d like to admit, and I am still working on improving both of those issues. Being a collegiate athlete didn’t help either of these, in fact, it’s actually when both of these struggles were illuminated the most (I have lots to say on that topic, but I’ll save it for later).

I’m currently a graduate assistant volleyball coach at the University of West Florida, and am pursuing a masters in Public Health. I still have so much to learn about life in general, but also in terms of health and fitness. I want to use my past experiences and current struggles to help whoever may come across this blog, even if just one person reads this (hi mom). I am going to do my best to be vulnerable and speak on here the same way I would in my journal, as I work on healing my own relationship with food and exercise as well. I am breaking my streak of silence on all of these topics, because I’m confident there’s at least one person who will relate, and I want you to know that you’re not alone.